I had an email from a friend earlier on. It’s really made me angry.

A little background: I only met M last week online and we hit it off pretty much straight away. She has similar tastes in clothing to me and she’s pretty much just as geeky as I am. As I’m sure any crossdresser will tell you who has attempted to get to know other crossdressers on any level, finding another girl with whom you can talk on anything but the most superficial level is pretty astounding. (Hell, this is true for everyone…) I mean, on the whole, once you get past the whole ‘bloke in a dress’ thing, it can be difficult to connect. And it can be a bit difficult to make a friendship based on what you wear. So, I was really pleased to meet M.

The one place where we differ is experience. While I have been dressing pretty much non-stop since I was 12 or 13, M, who did dress a little when she was young, only really re-discovered the joys of femininity in the last month or so.

So, I received an email from her this morning. She had been chatting last night and was told that because she had only just started dressing, she wasn’t a ‘real’ crossdresser. That ‘real crossdressers struggle all their lives with it and don’t suddenly appear at 51 years of age’. M was a panty fetishist at best.

This annoyed me. A lot. I am going to post my response to her here (slightly edited to take out some of the personal stuff about her) because I think it’s important and needs to be said. (I have M’s permission to talk about this.)

First of all. Fuck everyone else. No-one gets to decide what sort of  person you are. What is this ‘real’ crossdressers shit? (Please note – this anger is not pointed at you, it is pointed at the self-appointed fuckwit gatekeepers.) If you enjoy dressing, feel that it makes you happy and more like who you would like to be, then you are doing exactly what you need to do. Anyone using the point at which you discovered that you enjoyed crossdressing to set up some kind of arbitrary in-or-out is just an evil fuckhead to whom you should never listen. Ultimately, it is all a label and the only one that is of any importance is the one give yourself. PLEASE! do not listen to this person who obviously has trouble with their own self-identity and is using that as an excuse to put other people down. And, frankly, if they give you trouble then tell them that I have been dressing/ wishing I was a girl since I was about six and on a very regular basis since I was 12 and I say you are a crossdresser. So they can just fuck off. (Anyway, you dressed when you were younger…
I’ve read of loads of people who stop for a while. I mean, does it mean you aren’t a crossdresser if you’ve purged your wardrobe? Or is that one of the ‘struggles’ you have to go through? And, if it is, then I’m not a real crossdresser either. And, frankly, I will ram my dirty knickers down the throat of someone who says that to me. And not in a sexy way.)
My point is that everyone is different. No one gets to decide the who or what anyone else for anyone else. (Another example – does the fact that a man only discovered the joys of sucking cock and taking it up the arse at the age of 51 make them any less gay than the boy who started when he
was 15?)

As for the ‘looking like an old fat guy in a dress’… honey, we are all just guys in dresses really. The pictures you have seen of me (and thank you for saying I look pretty in them, it means a lot to me) are the ones that I am happy showing. There are quite a few more where I look about as femme as Ernest Borgnine (and I had to go and look up ‘The Black  Hole’ to remind myself of his name…) in lipstick. I regularly – most days – look in the mirror and know that I don’t live up to my internal feminine image and desire. I see women every day and wish that I could look like them. I know that it’s not going to happen, but I don’t let it stop me. And please, please, please don’t let it stop you. Talking to
you last week, I could sense how important it was to you and how good you felt when you allowed yourself to be feminine. It’s not just about the external image – mirrors lie – it’s about how you feel inside when you slip something pretty on. I think that if you now try to suppress M, you will hate how it makes you feel.

However, having said that, you have to do what you feel is right. Please keep in touch with me. I know I only met you last week, but I feel that I have met a real friend. I have met so many tgirls with whom I have nothing in common other than a shared interest in feminine clothing (and even then, so, so many of them who wear clothes that I wouldn’t wear if you paid me!) that to meet another geek-girl who is on almost exactly the same wavelength as I am and then to lose her again, would be heart-rending!

Take care and ignore the dicks (in the Wil Wheaton don’t-be-a-dick sense)

Lots of love


PS. And, even if it is ‘just’ a panty fetish? So what! Panties are awesome! I have such a huge panty fetish that it’s not true!

Anyway, I wanted to put this up here for future reference. Comments please?


One thought on “Gatekeepers

  1. I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who doesn’t really find it easy to really “connect” to other cross dressers. I do quite often feel that the individual baggage that comes with our individual expressions of femininity is almost as strongly inclined to drive us apart as the bond of a somewhat unusual affliction tends to link us.

    The whole “real crossdresser” thing can indeed be quite annoying. Unfortunately this kind of grandstanding and trying to claim a position of superiority is something which all to easy can arise when a comparison of experiences slips into a very unseemly kind of dick waving contest.

    I find it quite sad if anybody would feel the need to put somebody else down in such a way just to make themselves feel more validated or real and I think it’s very sweet of you to so vehemently defend her right to call herself a crossdresser.

    As for the feeling of “looking like an old fat guy in a dress” … it is something we really all have to struggle with. The only thing we can do is try to do our best to transcend that image in the best possible way we can – even if we will never truly be able to fully escape it. Those occasional feelings of doubt and inadequacy are the price we have to pay for being able to have those lovely moments of feeling truly ourselves against all odds. Besides, those feelings are also (minus the guy bit of course – in most cases 😉 ) part and parcel of most real women’s lives. It is hardly reasonable to expect that we somehow only can pick the good bits of what it means to be a woman.

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